Running with Scissors

"I give it to you not that you may remember time, but you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it. Because no battle is ever won. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools."

I love this quote. I did not really enjoy the book, however. When I came upon this quote, it jumped out at me. I've read it many times since I first read it in "The Sound and the Fury", and everytime I try to grasp it a little bit more. I'm still not exactly sure what it is trying to say, but it can be interpreted in many ways.

As my first year as a college student fades to a close (Yes, it was fast), I came back upon this quote and tried to apply it to this year. Going away to college, all everyone hears is that the next four years could easily be the best four. If only I took advantage of the possibilites that lay before me, I knew it couldn't be anything too bad, in the least. But within that expectation, there is the reality that it is only four years. Immediatly, there is a boundary which your expecatations can not rise above. Therefore, I think it is best that I just forget about time for a while. If I spend all my time attempting to make sure every moment of college is amazing, I will only fall victim to regret and miss opportunities. Living in the moment is always a better option.

Because no battle is ever won. When someone decides they are going to beat the reality that college is only four years, they will ultimately reach the end and wonder where it all went. The battle is lost, becuase they should be remembering how amazing those four years were. So, there is no use saying this year has come to an end. Yes, I will be coming home for a couple months to spend with family and friends in my great hometown, it is only a pause. Returning to Bloomington will be like picking up right where I left off, with even more possibility ahead of me.

With that said, the time I've spent here up until now has been quite the journey. Growth, some backward steps, an opportunity to learn from mistakes, and many opportunities to make it better the next go around. Like most other things, college is a cycle. Class, study, waste time, and let loose on the weekends. Meet people, spend time with them, some fade away, and others become your best friends. I may have learned more this year than any year before, and not really in the classroom.

Going away, I had an expectation for college, and I must say it has been met. I lived on my own for the first time, and I was fairly successful I must say. Other than the fact that my room was never clean (is it at home?) and I fall behind on my laundry (Mom, you're the best!), I had no life threatening experiences. And never ruined a load of clothes, if that stands for anything. I got a job, made some money, went to class and got good grades, and met more people in this short of time than I could have ever imagined. My friends range from classmates, floor mates, and those I see only once in a while as we pass on the sidewalk.

I made time to grow, but I never forgot. I never forgot where my roots were, and how I got to where I am now. I made time to call my parents and thank them and tell them I love them. I never forgot to make time to call a high school friend and say "How are things going for you?" I never forgot to make a trip every once in a while to see their faces and remember how much fun I have with them. I never forgot that though us Dowell siblings are in four different places, we have a bond that is unbreakable. I never forgot to stop and ask for help knowing I can't do it all on my own. I never forgot that when I go home in the summer I will be exactly where I am supposed to be.

I made new friends, and kept the old. I heard new music, but you'll still never find me without a Counting Crows album near by. I forgot old regrets, and pushed through the new ones. I made new mistakes, but remembered the old ones so I could fix them. I found more of myself and the world. I lost a little too, some I hope to get back and other stuff I'm glad has left.

I took a risk, made a new place my home, with almost nothing to fall back on. And I'm still standing tall. Maybe taller than I was when I got here. I didn't worry about how much time I had, cause that battle is a losing one. If I don't stop to stay a year is over, I can never really know how much time I have left here. Stop and think for a while, it doesn't matter how much is left if you enjoy what you have now.

Yet, I still remember never to run with scissors.